Rob’s Thoughts: Relationship Failures

This week I am handing over the reigns to my very smart, insightful husband. Every time we talk I am blown away by his wisdom and views on life, faith, and relationships. I am blessed to have him as my partner in life! I would be selfish to not share him with the world!

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Gwen and I have been married for almost a year and a half and I have to say I have learned more about communication and problem solving than I have in my entire life. Many of our conversations rotate around not just our relationship but how society views relationships.

My wife and I watch a lot of television series as it is how she relaxes in the evening. We are not the type that just zones out and veg but it brings up a lot of deep conversation between us. I don’t know how many times Gwen says, “pause it” so that we can discuss things that we see and hear. The things that we see in relationships that we never want to be like or the things we see that we want to incorporate into our lives.

We have been at the cabin all weekend with my parents and watched quite a few episodes of Friends. To be honest that show frustrates the crap out of me. We were on season two where Ross and Rachel FINALLY get together but in true Friends style it doesn’t last long. It is the one where Rachel discovers that Ross wrote a pros and cons list to choose between Rachel and his current girlfriend Julie. Rachel stumbles upon the list and is angry that Ross thinks that she can be “ditzy, spoiled, and just a waitress”. Was she really that naive to think a man who was madly in love with her still noticed her flaws?

As we went to bed that night we had a discussion about this topic. Was it really that big of deal that Ross made a list? I most definitely made a pros and cons list about Gwendolyn before I asked her out. It was important to me not to go blindly into our relationship. I wanted to be sure I could love her for exactly who she was.

The more relationships we see on TV the more I notice things. Most of the relationships fail because of four things: pride, not knowing how to constantly build a relationship, an unwillingness to accept that you are loving an imperfect human, and lack of commitment.

In order for a relationship to be successful four things must happen.

1) Pride Will Erode a Relationship: I would never hurt Gwendolyn on purpose. I love her with all my heart and treasure her as a person. However there are times I say and do the wrong thing or miscommunicate and I see the hurt it causes. Pride makes me want to feel justified that I am right. Pride makes me want to defend myself. Laying down my pride, admitting I was wrong brings such peace and closeness to our relationship. It is pinpointing my flaws so that I can work on them. I will always have flaws but I don’t want them to be the same flaws over and over that could destroy our relationship.

2) Knowing How to Build: To have a healthy relationship it must be growing mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Making goals in each of these areas are vital. It is keeping them all balanced and growing them. This doesn’t just happens but requires serious thought, honesty, and follow through.

3) You are Loving a Human: We are all humans and we all make mistakes. Gwen would never intentionally hurt me but she is human and she does sometimes. It is a daily decision to be “unoffendable” and to love her completely with the good and the bad. This doesn’t mean that I am her door mat, it means that I don’t torture her because she makes a mistake. It means we sit down and discuss things and we both agree to work on ourselves.

4) Lack of Commitment: We live in a “microwave” society where we want what we want now. We see people jump into relationships quickly then throw them out at the first rough patch. Marriage is hard work and isn’t always easy. We take our vows seriously and no matter what is thrown our way I am determined that she is my wife for life (and trust me we have had some serious curve balls in our short time married).

As a husband I have the amazing opportunity to make sure she feels loved, cherished and beautiful everyday. In the scheme of life we have only been married such a short time but I am excited for the journey that life will bring.